Taker & Kane Make A Comeback
by AjaxWolverine420
Summary: Sequel to Taker and Kane Go To Krystal, the Brothers of Destruction come out of retirement and head to SummerSlam via car. But when their car breaks down, both men get into hilarious predicaments and must find a way to get to SummerSlam before it's too late. Set in 2009.
1. Chapter 1

Taker & Kane Make a Comeback

After a wild disastrous night trying to get to the burger joint, Krystal, retired wrestlers, Undertaker and Kane drove back to their home in Memphis.

"Feels good to be home," said 'Taker.

"No kidding," Kane said, "I think I'm going to take a shower."

"Yeah, you smell like shit, dude," 'Taker said.

Kane looked at him.

"Aren't you the slut calling the skank a whore?" he said. "You're not so lemony fresh yourself, Grandmaster Funk."

"Yeah, yeah," 'Taker said. "Get in the shower, Uncle Fester."

Kane lumbered into the bathroom. 'Taker took off his trench coat and collapsed on the couch. He was exhausted. He wanted to get some shut eye. But then he felt a pain traveling from his stomach to his intestines. Those French Vanilla shakes were coming back to haunt him.

Taker quickly got up and ran to the bathroom. He didn't care whether Kane was in the shower. When Natured called, you just had to take care of it.

"Hey, what're you doing?" Kane said from the shower as Taker plopped down on the toilet.

"What does it look like?" Taker said.

"Aww man!" Kane exclaimed as some unpleasant odors began to permeate throughout the bathroom. Make sure you spray when you leave!"

The smells got stronger and the sounds got louder. It was impossible for Kane to enjoy his shower.

"My God, Mark!" Kane said. "You need anal cleansing!"

"Shut the hell up, Glen," Taker said between strains. "I've smelled your shit before, it doesn't exactly smell like roses you know."

"But mines don't smell as bad as yours." Kane said. "Something's wrong with your bowels"

Taker flashed his middle finger at Kane's silohuette..

After Taker was done, he waited for Kane to get out of the shower so he could take his. Kane was worse than a woman when it come to his hygiene.

Sure enough, thirty-five minutes later, Kane emerged in nothing but a towel and a shower cap.

"Boy, why the hell do you have a shower cap on?" Taker asked, "you don't have any hair!"

"What's it to you?" Kane said.

Taker shook his head as he walked into the bathroom. As he ditched his clothes, he sniff the air and realized it still stank in there.

He got the Febreze from under the sink and sprayed until the odor was eliminated. He then turned on the radio and hopped in the shower.

They were playing a new song by Kelly Clarkson called 'Already Gone'. Though he didn't admit it to Kane, Taker secretly liked that song. 'Taker mumbled the song at first, but then when they got to the chorus, 'Taker poked his head out of the shower, made sure Kane wasn't in the bathroom and began singing a little louder.

"I want you to know that it doesn't matter where we take this road, but somebody's gotta go. You couldn't have loved me better but I want you to know you to move on so I'm already gone."

After he was fresh and clean, 'Taker dried himself off and wrapped a towel around him. He opened the door to find Kane standing there, a wicked grin on his face.

"What the hell?!" 'Taker shouted. "How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough," Kane said. "Dude really? A six foot eight, heavily tattooed motorcycle driving badass singing Kelly Clarkson? Aw man, wait til I tell Ron and Bradshaw!"

"Boy you tell anybody about this, I'll kick your ass" Taker said.

"Whatever Undercover Kelly Clarkson lover," Kane said. "I should search your room to see if you have her albums."

_  
Sometime in the evening, the two men played some Monopoly.

"So, Mark," Kane started as he moved 5 spaces and landed on Chance. "You're really serious about getting back into the ring again?"

"Serious as death," 'Taker said. "As a matter of fact, let's call Vince now."

'Taker pulled out his cell phone and dialed Vince's number. After a few seconds, Vince picked up.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Vince, it's the Deadman," 'Taker said.

"Why, what a surprise!" Vince said. "How have you been?"

"Great," said 'Taker, "how're you and Linda?"

"We've never been better," said Vince. "So what do I owe this rare occassion?"

"Me and Glen have been talking," Taker said. "We want to get back into the ring. We're coming out of retirement."

"Oh, that's great news," Vince said. "When and where?"

"We want to return in a month at the next pay per view, SummerSlam," Taker said.

"That sounds good," Vince said. "Tell you what, fly over here to Connecticut next Wednesday, we'll discuss business then."

"Alright, that's cool," 'Taker said. "I'll see you then."

He hung up

"We're back on," Taker said excitedly. "C'mon, let's finish this game. You landed on Chance, pick up a card."

Kane pulled a card from the Chance pile and looked at it.

"Oh dammit!" he exclaimed. "I've got to go to jail!" 


	2. Chapter 2

For a month, Taker and Kane prepared theirselves for their match at SummerSlam. They went through hours of intense workouts and dieting and wrestling in small circuit wrestling promotions to work off any ring rust.

A week before SummerSlam they were slimmed down and well chiseled. They were sitting in the living room when Kane said, "Mark, I was thinking; Instead of flying to Los Angeles, why don't we drive there? We haven't done road tripping in a long time."

"Why Glen, that's the smartest thing you've ever said," Taker said. "Yeah, we'll drive there."

"What the hell you mean that was the smartest thing I've ever said?" Kane demanded. "I used to be an English teacher."

"Yeah, for third graders," Taker said snickering.

"Hey, college dropout," Kane said heatedly. "Don't you dare make fun of my occupations."

"Damn, boy, no need to get so touchy," Taker said giggling. "I'm just messing with you."

"Whatever," Kane said. "What do you want to do now?"

"Shit, I don't know," Taker said. "But let's not go to Krystal, that's for sure."

"I hear that," Kane said. "Say Mark, where's that Samurai sword you bought recently?

"In my room," Taker said. "Why?"

"An idea just came to me," Kane said. "Let's slice some shit up."

"Alright, cool," Taker said. "But what?"

"Didn't you just buy a shitload of fruit yesterday?" Kane asked.

"Yeah," Taker said. "I'll get it."

"Alright," Kane said. "I'll be in the game room."

Taker got the fruit and sword. He set the fruit on the pool table and handed Kane the sword.

"Which one of them you want to slice first?" Taker asked.

"Well," Kane started, "there's so many choices. I think I'll pick the pineapple."

Taker set the pinapple up, while Kane ran his finger against the blade.

"Whoa this is really sharp." he said. "Alright here goes."

He brushed the sword against the pineapple slightly. He then reached back with the sword and in one swipe, sliced through the pineapple like butter."

"Holy shit!" Taker exclaimed. That was awesome! Do it again."

Taker set up another pineapple. Kane sliced it in half, sending the pineapple flying across the room.

"Sweet," Taker said. "Let me try."

Kane set a cantaloupe up. Taker sliced through it like it was nothing.

"This is awesome," Kane said. "But let's take it up a notch."

"What do you have in mind?" Taker asked.

"Let's throw the fruit in the air and try to slice it while in midair." Kane said. "Like baseball, three strikes we're out."

"Deal," Taker said.

Kane took an orange from off of the pool table. He threw it up in the air. Taker swung and missed.

"Strike one," Kane said. He picked up the orange one more time and threw it up in the air again. This time, Taker struck gold, slicing the orange in half.

"Great job," Kane said, picking up grapes. "Go again."

Kane took the grapes and threw them up in the air. Taker sent grapes flying everywhere. Some of them landed on Kane's head.

"That was the best one." Taker said. "Damn, I'm good."

The two men went back and forth slicing fruit until there was nothing but pulp everywhere."

We should do that again someday." Taker said. "But now, who's going to clean this mess?"

"Wanna rock paper scissors for it?" Kane said.

"Alright," Taker said. "Let's go. Rock, paper, scissors shoot!"

Kane had his fist clenched. Taker had his hand open.

"Shit!" Kane said as Taker laughed gleefully. "It's not funny asshole."

"Yes it is." Taker said. "The cleaning fluids and mop are all in the kitchen. Good night."

"GLEN!" Taker shouted, honking his horn impatiently. "We gotta hit the road, you're taking all year!"

Kane finally emerged from the house, carrying suitcases and a large lunch bag. He got in the car.

"You need to stop rushing me, man," Kane said to Taker.

"I don't need to do anything," Taker said. "You're holding us up. You were in the damn mirror, weren't you?"

"Of course," Kane said. "Beauty takes time, it just doesn't happen."

Taker snorted and said. You must have been absent have when beauty fairy came around."

"What're you trying to say?" Kane demanded. "That I'm ugly?"

"I'm not saying that you're ugly," Taker said. "But I can't look at you and eat at the same time."

You got your nerve, Mark." Kane said. "If your face caught on fire and I put it out with a bicycle chain, that would be an improvement."

"But I get laid more than you," Taker said.

"Yeah, that's the result of your women consuming one too many tequila shots to drink you handsome." Kane said.

Taker started up his SUV. They pulled out of the parking lot and began their journey.

"Los Angeles, here we come," Taker said.

"We need some tuneage for this," Kane said, putting in a C.D.

"What's that you're putting in there?" Taker asked.

"It's a list of songs about California," Kane said. "Here's the first one right now."

Some rap music began to play. Taker looked at Kane, who was nodding his head to the beat.

"Glen," Taker started, "What the hell is this?"

"Dr. Dre and Tupac," Kane said. "California Love. This that real shit right here, dawg."

Kane started rapping.

"California knows how to party! California knows how to party! In the citayyyyy Of L.A. In the citayyyy of good 'ol Watts. In the cittayyyyy. City of Compton.

Taker continued to look at Kane, who begun to wave his hands in the air.

"What are you doing?" Taker asked.

"This is my gangsta dance." Kane said.

Taker turned off the C.D. Kane said, "Yo why you turn it off? I was getting my thug on."

Taker rolled his eyes.

"Glen you are not a thug or gangsta," he said. "You're a 42 year old upper middle class man. You grew up on a farm in the suburbs. You have a college education. You used to be a school teacher for Pete's sake. Now turn to another song."

"Dude, you are like the biggest buzzkill in the world,' Kane said, changing the song. "There you go. Happy?" he added as he turned to California dreaming.

"Yeah, I am," Taker said, smiling. "Very happy."

"Square," Kane muttered.

They were in Arkansas by the evening. Taker decided to settle down in the backwoods near the Ozark Mountains.

"Aren't we going in a hotel?" Kane asked.

"Glen, this is a road trip," Taker said. "That means we're going to enjoy the outdoors. No motels or hotels."

"Alright, I can dig that," Kane said.

Taker and Kane got out of the SUV and walked around. The sun had settled right over the mountains, it's beams shining through every orifice in the woods. The sounds of the birds chirping and the leaves crunching under their boots were the only sounds being made.

"We need a beer for this." said Taker. "Got any beer in that purse of yours?"

"Ho hum," said Kane in a bored voice. "Yeah, I got beer."

Kane took out two bottles of beer. Taker looked at the label.

"Arrogant bastard," He said. "Oaked. I always wanted to try this beer."

"A beer connoiseur like you would dig it the most." Kane said.

Taker took a swig of the beer.

"Damn," Taker said. "This is some good shit!"

"I knew you'd like it," Kane said.

Both men took in the scenery before heading to the Ozarks falls. It was a beautiful sight. They inhaled the earthy scent of the Ozark air.

"Awesome waterfall," said Kane, guzzling his beer.

"Yeah," said Taker. "Almost makes me want to jump into it and take a swim."

Both men sat on a large rock and watched the waterfall until the sun went down. The two of them trudged back to the woods.

"It's getting a little chilly out here." Taker said. "Let's gather some wood for a fire."

"It'll have to wait," Kane said. "Those beers I drank are coming back to haunt me. I gotta take a major leak."

"Alright," Taker said. "I'll gather the wood then."

Taker went throughout the woods gathering up twigs and logs. When he was coming back, he heard a twig snap. He stopped in his tracks.

"Who's there?" he asked. "Glen is that you?"

There was no answer. Taker looked around.

"Glen, if that's you, quit playing and come out." he said. "I don't have time for the games."

Then, Taker heard a low rumble. He spun around and nearly crapped his pants.

Standing ten feet from where Taker was standing was a brown bear. Taker was sure if it stood, it would be about 8 feet tall.

The bear was looking right at Taker. It licked its lips.

"Okay, Mark," Taker said. "Don't panic."

As soon as the bear roared, Taker let out a high pitched scream and high tailed it out of there.

"Help!" he shouted as he ran. "Help me!"

Taker kept running until his legs gave out. Something grabbed his back. He screamed and try to run again.

"Mark, relax!" Kane said. "It's me."

Taker let out a sigh of relief.

"What's going on? Kane asked. "I heard screaming. A woman screaming."

Taker was about to retort when he saw the bear. He screamed again and pointed. Kane looked back.

"Holy shit!" Kane said and he ran toward the SUV. Taker founds his legs again, got up and ran toward the SUV as well. He got inside and punched Kane in the shoulder.

"What the hell was that for?" Kane shouted.

"For leaving me!" Taker said. "I could have been killed!"

"It's not my fault I run faster than you." Kane said. "Anyways, let's get out of here before the bear comes."

Taker started up the SUV and sped out of the woods as fast as he could.

"If I ever say let's sleep outdoors," Taker started, "you better slap the hell out of me."

"Ok, that won't be a problem." Kane said.

Taker scowled at Kane before saying, "Let's find the nearest hotel."

"Mark you know what I've realized?" Kane said.

"What?" Taker asked.

"For a big man, you sure do scream like a bitch." Kane said.

Taker punched Kane in the shoulder again as Kane burst out into guffaws.


	3. Chapter 3

The next morning, Taker and Kane checked out of the motel that they had slept in.

"C'mon, bro," Kane said as they both got inside the SUV. "I'm ready to resume our journey."

Taker put his key inside the ignition. The SUV wouldn't start.

"Oh, you have to be freakin' kiddin' me," Taker said in disbelief. The damn truck won't start.

"Well, you've had this heap of shit since the 90s," Kane said. "I told you for ages to replace this jalopy."

"Shut up," Taker said, trying to start the engine up and failing.

For a half hour, Taker tried to start up his engine. The engine just would not start for anything.

"Just give up, Mark," Kane said. "This sorry ass truck is done for."

"Aren't you a glimmering ray of hope?" Taker said sarcastically.

"What're we going to do?" Kane asked. "We've got to get to Los Angeles in three days.

"Find a used car lot." Taker said. "We're going to walk until we find one."

Kane wasn't looking forward to walking but said, "Alright."

5 hours later...

"Mark, please," Kane pleaded. "We have been walking for five hours straight. My feet are kiling me and I'm dehydrated. There's no used car lot.

"Glen quit your whining," Taker said. "C'mon, let's keep going."

The scorching sun poured on the two men. Sweat rolled down their foreheads, their shirt was soaked with sweat. Kane's tongue was hanging out.

They had walked into a small town. There was a gas station, a hardware store, a candy store and a large church. Kane noticed a sign that said BINGO, TODAY 3:00. He looked at his watch and said. "Hey, it's two fifty-five. We should go in the church and play some Bingo."

"Good idea," Taker said. "I just hope I don't burst into flames the minute I step foot in there."

The blast of cold air that hit their faces as they walked in was welcoming. They looked around. People was settling in. There was bottles of water on the table nearest them. Standing by the doors was a famililiar face. Mark Henry.

"Hey, Taker, Kane," Mark said. "Good to see you guys, what brings you in this part of town?"

"We're on our way to SummerSlam and my damn SUV broke down," Taker said. "We've ben looking for a car lot for the past five hours. We thought we'd stop in here. What're you doing here?"

"It's part of my anger management," Mark said. "I have to do 500 hours of community service.

"Bummer, man," Kane said.

"Yeah, but it's not so bad," Mark said, "you meet some interesting people. Anyway, grab yourself a Bingo card, a marker and some water, and sit yourself down. We're about to start shortly."

Both men did so and found some seats by the bottles of water, which Kane grabbed before sitting down.

"Alright ladies and gentlemen, we're about to begin. This is Bingo. Mark your free spaces everyone. The grand prize tonight is five thousand dollars. Good luck everybody."

Mark turned the cage and pulled out the first ball.

"I-16!"

Taker looked at his card. He didn't have it. Kane however did.

"Yes," Kane muttered silently as he marked it.

Mark rolled the cage and pulled out the second ball.

"B-2!"

Taker had it this time. He marked it down.

"You're not going to win, Deadman," Kane whispered. "I'm taking that prize."

"Like hell you are," Taker said. I'm winning it."

"No, I am," Kane said.

"I am," Taker said.

"Will you two shut the hell up?" said an old lady who looked like Estelle Getty. "You're going to make me miss the numbers."

Mark rolled the cage and pulled out the third ball.

"N-44!"

It was a long Bingo. Everybody was close to winning. Some people were only three numbers away from winning. Others one.

Half an hour passed. Taker was beside himself with excitement. He had only one number left. Mark rolled the cage and pulled a ball out. The room became quiet. Nobody seemed to breathe as Mark called it.

"O-60!"

"YES!" Taker shouted. "BINGO!"

Everybody looked back as Mark made his way to Taker.

"B-2, I-19, N-35, G-52, O-60," Mark said. "Congratulations, Deadman, you win five thousand dollars."

As Mark reached into his jacket pocket for the money, the old lady who had told Taker and Kane to shut up, got up and said. "Wait just a damn minute! I demand a recount!"

"What for?" Kane asked. "There are no recounts in Bingo and he won fair and square."

"Stay out of this, Mr. Clean!" the lady shouted before turning to Taker.

"You whisker biscuit tattooed freak!" she said. "You don't deserve that money, you're not even a member of this church. RECOUNT!"

"Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to calm down," Mark said.

"Oh shut up!" the old lady said. "You were in this with him!" Thought you'd let your wrestling buddies win! I know who you are, World's Strongest Man! By the smell of your cologne, it should be World's Strongest Stench!"

"You gonna let her get away with that, Henry?" Kane asked.

"Don't be ridiculous, Kane," Mark said. "She's got to be eighty years old."

"One hundred is reachable if she watches her mouth." Taker said, scowling at the old woman.

"You wanna piece of me?" said the old woman raising her fists. "I may be old, but I can kick your ass!"

"Please," Taker said, "don't kid yourself. You haven't fought anybody since the dinosaurs walked this Earth, you wrinkly saggy prune!"

"That's it!" The old lady said. "I've had enough!"

The old lady swung. Taker ducked and the lady hit Mark instead.

"You better stop right now!" Mark shouted. "Take a seat, Granny."

"Who you calling, Granny, King Kong?" the old lady said and punched him again.

"I tried," he said before picking up the old lady and World's Strongest Slamming her through the table. Everybody gasped at the old lady writhed in pain.

"I can't get up!" she moaned. "My hip!"

"You see what happens when you talk crap?!" Mark shouted.

Ignoring the numerous looks of shock, Mark handed Taker the five thousand.

"Enjoy," he said. "You two better get out of here."

"Don't have to tell me twice," Kane said as he made a bee line for the door, Taker trailing behind him.

"Can't believe he slammed that old bat through a table," Taker said.

"Yeah," Kane said. "But you saw how she hit him. You play with matches, you're going to get burned. So what're you doing with the five grand?"

"Buying a used car," Taker said. "We're going to look for a car."

Taker took his phone out and searched for a car lot on his phone.

"Why didn't you do that the first time instead of making us walk?" Kane asked.

"I wanted to save juice on my phone." Taker said as he typed in the search.

"There's one, three miles from here." Taker said. "I'm going to call a cab."

"So we walked five hours looking for a used car lot when we could've saved time by searching on your phone?" Kane asked. "You prick."

Taker laughed as Kane had a sour look on his face as they waited for the cab.


End file.
